By Jim Roha

This has been a very busy year, and this letter is long overdue, but I’m writing to congratulate you on your election to the presidency. You’ve taken on quite a bit of responsibility, but with solid Democrat majorities in both Houses of Congress, you ought to be able to accomplish your goals.

Shame on me for failing to contact you back in January. If I hadn’t procrastinated, you might have appointed me as the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland. Here in Crawford County, I’m well known for my diplomacy and tact, and if I had been posted to Dublin, our nation’s relations with Ireland would have attained unprecedented levels. But he who hesitates is lost, so let that be a life lesson for me. Admittedly, Dan Rooney was an excellent choice, but we really need him here in western Pennsylvania so the Steelers can keep on winning Super Bowl championships. But I’m not writing to discuss football or diplomatic postings.

I’m writing because you have a full plate, dealing with issues like bankrupt auto manufacturers, national health insurance and Social Security. I can help you solve at least two of those crises, leaving you more time to focus on other really important issues while your approval ratings are still high.

Let’s talk about health care for Americans. Nobody wants the Canadian health care system. Even the Canadians don’t want Canadian health care. Meanwhile, the Republicans keep warning that national health care will result in a two-tiered health system with limited access and runaway costs that will bankrupt the nation. This might sound like a real problem, but the solution is staring you right in the face:

n You can scrap Medicare. Don’t worry about taxing health care benefits for Americans who are covered under an employer’s group insurance. And you don’t need to devise another federally orchestrated health insurance system. Just give every American the option to participate in the Congressional health care plan. You see, Congress’ health insurance plan must be solvent, because no congressman has ever delivered a speech warning that his health care plan will run out of funds or lead to rampant inflation. And I’ve never heard a single member of Congress complain about the cost of his health insurance, or long waits for treatment, elective or otherwise. I’ve spoken to a number of Americans about this idea and their responses have been unanimous. Each of us has agreed to pay the same percentage of our incomes for the Congressional health plan that Congresswoman Dahlkemper pays for her own coverage. See? I’ve solved your health care crisis for you in just a few minutes.

n Now let’s resolve the Social Security debacle. For years, bureaucrats have been misleading the American public. They keep saying that Social Security is solvent. By solvent, they mean that more money is being paid into the fund than is being withdrawn. But any math major can tell you that solvency is not the criteria for a successful pension plan. The operative term is “actuarially sound,” and that is something that Social Security is not.

But I can solve that problem for you, too. Just roll over every American’s Social Security into the U.S. Senate’s retirement plan. Once again, the logic of this solution is inescapable. Here in Pennsylvania, we have been represented by Sen. Arlen Specter for decades. I’m not exactly sure which political party he is affiliated with this week, but in any event, Arlen has been our man in Washington since Reg Henry and I had full heads of hair. During all those years, the good senator has always been a financial watchdog, and Arlen Specter would certainly have advised his constituents if his retirement plan were in jeopardy, so the Congressional retirement fund must be actuarially sound, right?

This is a major leap of faith on my part, but I am ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. I will relinquish my claim to a Social Security check and opt to receive the same monthly pension benefit that any retired U.S. senator receives. After all, if it’s good for Arlen Specter, then it’s good for the nation.

So, Mr. President, I’ve given you the solutions for two of the greatest challenges facing your presidency. Now you can devote your energies to eradicating the national debt and saving General Motors with U.S. taxpayer dollars by having it import tiny, Asian automobiles that nobody wants to drive.

Keep up the good work, and in the meantime, please keep me in mind for future diplomatic postings. Would you happen to be looking for an ambassador to Aruba? In case you hadn’t guessed, I enjoy island living, which is why I had originally hoped for a posting to Ireland. But Aruba is an island, though quite a bit smaller than the Emerald Isle. Still, it would be a good second choice. It is also a multi-lingual country where English is spoken, but Dutch is the official language. I don’t speak Dutch, but in the interests of international diplomacy, I would gladly invest in some Rosetta Stone software if you would consider me for the position.

And even if you decide not to appoint me as an ambassador, please fee free to contact me anytime you need help in solving our nation’s problems. And if you would ever like to serve as a trustee of an amusement park, please be sure to send me a letter of interest.

By the way, would you have a few million dollars of TARP funds to spare? We would gladly agree to limit executive compensation, since those at the park all work for free anyway.

Roha is a former Meadville city councilman. He can be contacted at jroha@windstream.net.