DAY 7: Breast Cancer Journal

Our Health

Discussion

October 6, 2009

By Sue Kilburn The Meadville Tribune Tue Oct 06, 2009, 05:34 PM EDT

I am tired. Not just tired, but bone tired.

My zest, oomph, go to it and get er done is depleted. Some moments it takes every effort to breathe. The exhaustion I feel surrounds me.

I don’t care to eat, drink, think or talk. The bathroom feels like 10 miles away and to think of a shower and dressing is beyond my capabilities at this moment.

My thoughts start swirling in my head when this exhaustion hits.

Nights are worse when I am less than rational and start thinking things the daylight wouldn’t even let surface.

This is the time that I re-center myself and talk to God. Yes, I am sure that there is someone listening to me, and, no, this is not his fault nor mine.

It is what it is.

The key is how am I going to deal with it. Some days, I just want to isolate and crawl in a hole.

Ron is delegated to answering the phone as I just can’t go through it all again on the phone and listening to the well meaning thoughts or lack of thoughts from others. There are those who call with the kind words and support and those who think their words are kind but yet probing and those who yet again insist on telling you about their aunt that died with breast cancer or their friend that had a recurrence.

My husband is a much better diplomat than I am, and to keep my sanity in check, I give it to him to deal with.

The food comes to the door in quantities that would feed an army.

It is deeply appreciated but a bit overwhelming as I don’t eat much at this time. Once I have had it, I don’t seem to want it again, although for some odd reason, macaroni and cheese (homemade) is what I crave. I eat lots of chili, and heaven knows that should put me over the edge, but it has protein and I can tolerate it. So small amounts of chili are part of this diet.

Carbonated beverages are out, as are diet drinks and milk. You can only have so much water and tea in a day!

There is talk of supplements and vitamins and fluids and my mind is swirling.

It is not that I don’t want to be compliant, I just can’t.

I want to be the good patient and do it right and I want to feel better, right now.

Tomorrow will be better, it will be.