Cancer didn’t define me but it was me. I wore the face of cancer, I dealt with its heavy blows.

People rallied around me or totally avoided me.

I was either the center of conversations or not in the conversation at all. People called and offered help who I didn’t even think knew my name.

Prayers were given and people would step out of crowds to offer words of encouragement.

I wore cancer everywhere I went, and then one day the cancer was gone and I had to search to find the person that I had become.

Anything that had been put on hold due to cancer had to be addressed. It wasn’t the same, but it wasn’t totally different.

I got back into the rhythm of life.

Issues and circumstances fell behind as I grew stronger each day, but I also found that it didn’t take much to throw me off that track.

An unthinking word, a passing thought, a twinge that would make me wonder, is it me?

Is it back?

The days go quickly by and slowly people fade back out of my life that came forward at the time of need.

I no longer wore cancer.

I was not easily identified by my illness that was not gone. I was just like everyone else out there, trying to survive the best I could.

I am more daring and, heaven forbid, more outgoing.

I am more circumspect in my thoughts. I step guardedly around those who are dealing with unresolved issues so as not to give the impression that I wear a cross. We have all had problems, issues, concerns and life-altering things that came our way.

We are not unique in that. Our uniqueness comes from who we are now and how we weathered the storms.

I will never be a poster child for how to do things right.

There is no right or wrong, but what fits at the time you are going through it. There are moments that I feel anxious and question where I am in this transition from sick to well.

I practice self breast exams and have my mammograms and follow up with my doctors as expected. A recent mammogram found a small speck of “nothing to be concerned about”.

I became my advocate and said, so take it out, whatever it might or might not be, take it out and I need resolution as soon as possible.

They knew where I was coming from and everything was handled in a timely manner and life goes on.

Now believe me, I don’t lie awake worrying about will it come back or is this it again, but every now and then it sneaks up and catches me off guard and it comes flooding back in. The returning trips for checkups, a friend recently diagnosed, a story on TV of a recurrence — it does give me pause on occasion.

Sometimes I look and see those who are struggling through their own personal journey and I have what I have determined to be survivor’s guilt. I also have a certain amnesia as to what I did go through. The mind does provide a safe haven when needed.

Some things I have chosen to forget, some … well they are just a haze or maybe it is just chemo-brain and I don’t remember.

I will say that does come in handy when there are times I just can’t remember. I rather blame chemo-brain than the fact that I am just getting older and can’t remember.

And my kids will take the chemo-brain excuse rather than tease me for forgetting. It is my get out of jail free card and I am not ashamed to use it.