DAY 24: Breast Cancer Journal

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October 23, 2009

Anonymous The Meadville Tribune Fri Oct 23, 2009, 04:34 PM EDT

Recurrence

Wow, I said the word, recurrence.

I dare not breathe it or think it or it may come true.

Each day is a new day and I am not consumed by wondering if this will start it all over again or not. Some days there is a sense of guilt due to the fact I have so neatly wrapped it up and put it away.

I had cancer, I dealt with it and it is filed away.

Some days it is so distant it is like other painful experiences in my lifetime that you know you were there once but the lines get blurry and some of it fades. Then there are other times when a dear friend has a recurrence after 20 years of being cancer free, or an acquaintance that just found out it is back or you learn of others that the battle yet starts again.

Five years is the goal but what about all those other women whose faces I do not know and who wonder, is today the day? I go for my checks and stop really breathing until I leave the office and then heave a huge sigh of relief.

Am I the lucky one?

Did I miss the bullet?

How long?

I have had patients who had serious medical conditions that, once treated and corrected, these people had gone out and resumed the same lifestyle as before and found themselves back needing medical intervention. I am trying to eat right, I am trying to exercise more, I am trying to live stress free ... haha, oh well, and I said trying.

Will this be enough?

Some days it is just in your face and you feel that twinge of remembrance that you thought was put up on the shelf, but there it is.

No, I am not a sissy!

My daughter does not worry about her breast health despite my issues nor does she worry about mine. She simply states, “Mom is a fighter and she will come through it again if need be!”

How can I let her down, but yet in those recesses of my mind, I wonder, do I have that kind of stamina and fortitude?

I try to do my best each day and I do not dwell on it but it is like a blinker light that comes into view every once in a while and I wonder … will it be me?

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DAY 24: Breast Cancer Journal

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